Having STILL not found a job I am forced on a daily basis to spend too much time on Facebook to fill the god given hours that persist in being too numerous. (In laymans terms I have F*** all else to do and Facebook updates quickly).
Since spending all this time one Facebook I have developed another pet hate. Hornblowers - no you historical nerds I don't mean Horatio - I mean people who love themselves so fucking much the world MUST have a daily duck picture (a picture that shows the poser pouting at the camera and looking like Donald Duck/Trump - see photo for example),
I name no names but if I did this blog post alone would be about 3 pages long and the majority of them are definitely girls, although I don't hesitate to point out that there are more than their fair share of guys out their with a similar affliction.
For example, I have had many hobbies over the years and only 2 of them I have done religiously over the past 22 years (ok well maybe less since I didn't do them since birth). And when I say that I know what I am talking about I don't lie, if I don't know something I ask, I am WELL known in my family for asking inconvenient questions, but on this particular subject I do not. When someone comes along and starts taking credit for what I have done over the years, it pisses me off, but when they start telling me things that they do that they established and that I am obviously too stupid/ inexperienced to notice/know, I get royally FUCKED off. They don't even have 1:15 of the time and knowledge I have. SO STOP TRYING TO TELL ME.
AND DUCKFACES: just because you think the world and the camera loves you, doesn't mean you are God. You bombard us with pictures of you pouting in your favourite shade of lipstick that, by the way, doesn't suit you, dressed like a hooker from Candyland, covered in obscene tattoos. Don't mistake me, I like tattoos, but some of these images are disgusting. Just WHY..?
I like to be proud of my achievements, I like to share my achievements because I know that despite some of my more cynical friends, they are proud of me too. But when you lie and take credit for someone elses achievements or make getting a new tattoo an achievement or the fact that yay, you've starved yourself successfully for 3 days something to be proud of... you need your head checked.
So here is my top 10 list of things you SHOULD be proud of and let the world know and my top 10 list of things no one wants to know and you shouldn't share. (In no particular order.)
SHARE AWAY:
10) Education - SAT's, GCSE's, A-levels, Degrees (in a REAL degree not some shit like floristry or wine tasting), Passing Exams, Driving test
9) Job - Getting a job, getting a promotion, finishing a particularly hard project, sealing a deal, getting a bonus
8) Weight - losing some SAFELY (does not include via illness, anorexia, surgery, bulimia) or putting some on in an effort to build muscles
7) Breaking a personal best at something - does not include farting record.... just ew.
6) Doing something you never would normally do - i.e. I went caving and scuba-dived on a coral reef
5) Having a baby - Guys and Gals can do this one, it takes two to make a baby brew
4) Baby achievements - first steps, first word, first giggle - first poop does not qualify >.>
3) Family - significant birthdays, births,
2) Moving house - if you can afford to move out, my hat off to you!
1) Getting married - includes civil partnership
NO ONE CARES, DO NOT SHARE:
10) Education - floristry, wine tasting, harry potter and childcare do not count as education... these are HOBBIES
9) Job - if you have the worlds best job... no one wants to know- they'll just be jealous XD)
8) Weight - if you get stomach flu or just decide to stop eating for a week, that's not losing weight, its illness and if you lose more than 10% of your body weight over a specific time you actually classify as anorexic and should seek help.
7) Taking credit for someone else's work - your just an asshole
6) Getting your 15th tattoo - Must be nice to resemble a doodle pad but google a 90year old with tattoos and I bet you'll regret it.
5) Duck photos - if you love yourself THAT much, marry a mirror. We don't need a minute by minute of how much makeup you had to use, the new shade of crap lipstick, your new facial piercing colour diamante
4) Relationships - I don't want a week by week account of how many nauseating names you can come up with for each other - Snookums, babygirl, lovecup make me want to upchuck. (this includes photos)
3) TV updates - I DONT CARE ABOUT FOOTBALL, BRITAINS GOT TALENT, BIG BROTHER, STRICTLY COME DANCING, I'M A CELEBRITY, AMERICAN IDOL, XFACTOR OR EASTENDERS.
2) Videos - jump out the screens, pokemon gaffs, music vids you cant understand, lyric vids and just stupid ones can naff off.
1) 'Bored' - just don't.
Think I have covered most bases here... as you can probably tell, I am in a royally foul mood but say what you like. This is my hate blog right now so either take it the way its meant to be read or sod off elsewhere. If you have any issues with the above statements -other than praise and agreement - please contact ihavenolife@gmail.com where your concerns will be ignored and deleted without response.
The Voices and I agree that Hornblowers can feck off.
