the smallest things have the biggest impacts

It's true what they say, the smallest things have the biggest impacts in life. I genuinely did not appreciate this fact of life until Mum was gone.

Today is a 'Bad Day'. People ask me how I'm doing and I say ' well I have Good Days and Bad Days.'

A Good Day means that I didn't cry or I only cried once. I got on with the day, I kept busy, I did things, went out and even smiled. A Good Day means that I was able to be 'Me' for a little bit and help everyone else instead of them helping me.

A Bad Day is essentially the opposite. Everything I see will set me off. Most of the day my eyes will hurt from being so swollen, my throat hurts from trying not to cry (like when you clench your jaw shut -  kind of sore). I don't want to get up and do anything, I wont go out, I generally ignore my phone, the house phone and the front door - much to the posties irritation and I will just sit and be miserable.

Today is definitely a Bad Day, but not for my normal reasons. Today, I have a throat infection. I get them pretty frequently and probably should of had my tonsils out years ago, but I sort of manned up and got on with life. But today I genuinely feel like shit, my throat is so swollen I look like a Russian hamster with its cheek pouches full of food and I sound like Minnie Mouse if she was a 40 a day smoker.

Just want to cuddle my mum. I'd go and sit next to her on the floor, right close to her wheel chair and she'd stroke my hair or ear, whichever she could reach - usually sticking her finger IN my ear first (-,-) and she'd stroke my hair while I just closed my eyes or option number 2, id stand behind her and cuddle her whilst she nuzzled my cheek.
Its silly and simple. but that was what we did. I couldn't sit on her lap - Im a bit old for that and I think it would of broken her wheelchair - and hugging her from the side was difficult with the arm rests in the way. But that's how we would hug.
It just inherently made me feel better without doing anything. Even now as Im writing, the memory of it is helping but its not the same is it? Not quite.

Or hows this for unexpected?
Greys Anatomy, the TV series, was a big thing for me and my mum. I started watching the original series and when it came out on DVD I made her watch it and totally got her hooked. We watched every single episode and own every single boxset. Currently season 10 has JUST started (here in the UK), and of course I settles down to watch it.

Couldn't do it. I cant even explain to you what set me off. I wasn't thinking about Mum, I wasn't even thinking about anything related. But just... FLOODS.
So I turned it off after less than 3 minutes and went to bed. Tried again the next day, no problems.
Episode 2 was a big fucking mistake though and I know exactly what did it.
Sorry for spoilers if anyone watches Greys. But in episode 2 of season 10, one of the interns dies in like the first 15 minutes and they show her body on a gurney minus all the tubes, just her covered by a sheet up to her shoulders.
It was almost like in my horrid sick twisted mind that the image of the stupid intern was now my mum, just like Id seen her. Worst FUCKING mistake.

If anyone you love ever passes away in hospital or something, don't EVER go and see them laid out. Please don't, It will scar you for life in ways you don't even know.

I probably need to see some sort of bereavement councillor or something like that cause I don't see my Dad or brother reacting like this, I mean stuff sets them off, but nowhere near as often or as hard as it does to me. I have nightmares and horrid visions like the one above and I don't know what to do. My Doc says its just the stress and its should go over time, but Im on sleeping tablets that don't make me sleep and blood pressure tablets that just make me really dizzy. I still have the nightmares and I still cry at weird stuff. And the stupidest shit of it all is Mum is the one who I would go to, to make it all go away, even at 23 years old she would make me feel better by just being Mum.

Now what do I do? I don't want to put any more pressure on my Dad as he's already stressed to the gills, and everytime I get upset I set him off and I don't want to continually make him feel bad.

Im so confused, literally at loose ends all the time. My frikken rant page has become my morbidity blog.

Yippee, and to think, if any employer ever saw this, theres no way Id ever get a job... not that it seems im going to get one  anyway.