you SHOULD look a gift horse in the mouth

I have often said that one of my favourite hobbies is horse-riding, I've basically been in the saddle since the age of 3 and have ridding at the same stable for over 17 years.
Now I don't pretend to know my way around a dressage test, I have never competed nor have I ever owned my own horse, but working with the riding school I have learnt many of the quirks and no-nos of some of the beasties around me.

But it boils my blood when I see the people advertising their horses for sale. Some of the SHIT that they spout is hysterically laughable.
Reading some of the adverts is literally like trying to break a code without an ENIGMA device.

Advertised as -	True meaning -
‘Sad sale’	Horse is too small, always lame, no time, too many other horses, no money
‘Bomb proof’	Has seen the outside of the stable and hasn’t freaked out yet – hasn’t seen traffic, flapping bags, scary leaves in trees, cyclists, joggers,
‘Would suit novice’	Is dead in the mouth, is dead to the leg, deaf/blind, older than advertised,
‘Would suit mother/daughter share’	Mother can hold the horse whilst daughter tries to not get thrown off
‘Been there, done it’	Probably spent most of its life in stable, hacked out, competed once – didn’t win, waste of time
‘Schoolmaster’	Has seen inside of school once or twice
‘Backed and ridden’	Is probably NOT yet 3 years old, has had saddle and bridle on (possibly), ridden is a bit of a loose term – usually means a dummy was strapped on
‘few quirks’	Kicks, bites, lunges at moving objects, bad stable manners, hates farrier, bucks when asked for transitions, the list is endless
‘Resale due to time wasters’	The last lot wouldn’t pay the asking price
‘Special horse’	SPOILT/CRAZY
‘Competition horse’	Looks better than it rides – see ‘schoolmaster’
‘100% good to catch, box’	IF you leave it in its stable and blindfold it before trying to get it up the ramp closely followed with 5 other people and some ropes
‘bit green’	Current owner has no idea how to school said horse/pony and so it has done no work except hacking
‘looking for 5* home’	Looking for someone to pay through the nose
‘includes tack and rugs’	Tack probably old and crappy and doesn’t fit and rugs are torn, ripped and pretty useless except for rags
‘not for novice’	Horse will basically try and get you off any which way it can, regardless of endangering your life, in the fastest time possible

Ok, so sometimes you are guaranteed to find a diamond of a horse/pony but like anything, you will find your fair share of liars and cover ups.
If you are going to sell your beastie BE HONEST, I don't want to know all the crap, I want to see the animal, find out for myself if its sane, healthy, rideable. Get the animal vetted and checked by professionals.

The voices and I agree that the horsey people of the world are full of bullshit and sometimes you need a big ass broom to clear away the crap.